Sergeant Robbins is Brunette
by myrhymesarepurer
Summary: So, there was a new secretary in the clerk's office. Every day, she waltzed in and gushed, "Roy" and he would smirk, "Missy." Riza would grit her teeth and correct him under her breath, "Sergeant Robbins." Every. Day.


_one of those little dumb drabbles you write when you get_ stuck  
on _your dumb long_ over written _smut. eh, it's sufficiently cute._

 _Riza Hawkeye is my_ bae _._

* * *

She could claim she did it for Havoc.  
She would swear it, honestly.

But, _most frankly,_ that claim would be false,  
or at least partially so.

See, there was a new secretary  
in the clerk's office at Eastern Headquarters.

Mustang's team was often behind on paperwork,  
particularly due to the _Mustang_ piece of that team.  
But, this was a well-known fact.

The old secretary to the clerk's office was now the _head_ secretary  
to the clerk's office because the clerk's office was overrun,  
with tardy paperwork.

It wasn't entirely their fault, but the Investigations Division  
 _did_ prefer the field rather than their desks,

so they downright avoided their desks  
and Riza was just one woman.

She couldn't do it all.  
They were behind.

So, there was a new secretary in the clerk's office.

And, she chose to wear the uniform _skirt_ ,  
in a much smaller size than she required,  
so it was higher and tighter

and she was gorgeous,  
and she was a brunette

and she delivered paperwork straight to the office,  
which was completely unnecessary,

Riza figured maybe she was hired specifically to deal with their team.  
Yet, however incorrectly appearances may portray  
the inner workings of a woman,

She was green, fresh out of the academy.

She was new and doe-eyed and did not appear quite so equipped  
to manage the paperwork onslaught and chaos  
consistently courtesy of the Mustang Unit.

Regardless, personally assigned or no, she didn't knock,  
and she wore her hair down, and the skirt and the red lipstick,  
and all five men in her office

gawked.

Riza always shifted in her seat, rolled her eyes, and hid behind  
a most suddenly interesting expense report,  
while _Missy_

brought the new day's stack right to the Colonel's desk.,  
and, Roy Mustang, even with all his pomp and formality,  
gushed and smiled and called her

 _Missy._

Yes, _Missy_. Because, god forbid the men at Eastern  
actually refer to her as _Sergeant Melissa_ _Robbins_.

Given, most every man at work did have enough  
respect to use her proper title when speaking with  
her directly.

 _Most_ every man that is.

She gushed and called the Colonel, " _Roy_."  
He dropped his pen, leaned back,  
stretched his arms behind his head,  
smirked and called her

" _Missy_. Good Morning."

All four men, in all four desks  
all pushed together in the middle of the room  
so overtly _checked her out_  
from head to toe,

just like every day a half hour before lunch  
for the longest week of Riza Hawkeye's life.

Daily, Fuery would turn away tomato red, Falman would clear his throat,  
Breda would grunt approvingly, then elbow Havoc who, at that point  
would be reliably blinded by hearts, and completely drowning in drool.

It was disgusting and conjured an awful headache  
for reasons Riza could never quite put her finger on.

Maybe it was just the week. For, every day that week,  
she waltzed in and gushed, " _Roy_ " and he smirked, " _Missy_."  
every day,

Riza gritted through her teeth,  
and under her breath corrected him,

" _Sergeant Robbins_ "

"Behind on mission coverage again, are we?" She waved her papers,  
and most overtly pushed the stack into her breasts. Riza hovered her pen  
above the same dotted line for what seemed like a good ten minutes.

Avoiding the train wreck, the abhorrent disastrous effect  
this woman had on Colonel Mustang's office its already  
appalling productivity.

"Awe, Missy," the Colonel spun his chair, "You're too cruel."

Riza glanced over and watched Jean Havoc grimace back into his deskwork.  
She watched him do this every day, for the whole week.

The battle was always over before it begun  
when it came to matters such as these.

In the fight for life long love, the Flame Alchemist  
always had his pick. He always won.

He always got the girl.

Riza always cinched her mouth into a frown.  
Poor Havoc. She could say she did what she did  
for him, said it all for her friend.

But, in all honestly, Riza Hawkeye was so  
still shamefully selfish. It was mortifying,  
but she was good.

She could keep her cover,  
like she had every day,  
all that week.

"Are you sure there isn't anything you can do?"  
"Well _,_ Roy, _maybe_ -" she gushed. Riza steeled and looked to her,  
beautiful brunette in all her tight skirt glory,

and for the first time that week,  
she didn't let _Sergeant Robbins_ continue.

She cut her off like she disserved, for interrupting their work,  
for every other time that week Missy entertained the possibility  
of trading extended deadlines for candle light dinners.

"No," Riza said, ice, then looked to Mustang,  
"The Colonel must complete _all_ his paperwork."

There was silence. Havoc snorted a laugh  
for whatever reason. "No exceptions, Sergeant Robbins."

Raised eyebrows, all across the room,  
a sigh from the Colonel, a quiet whistle from Breda,

and a top to bottom flick of the eyes,  
a signature hostile evaluation from  
a fellow female _competitor.  
_  
Riza lifted her chin, and outstretched her arm for the forms.  
She wasn't simple. She would not be any woman's competitor.

"I suppose that's my cue,"

Sergeant Robbins muttered with a completely unsubtle touch  
of insubordination, reluctantly surrendering her free ticket  
to flirt shamelessly with Colonel Roy Mustang.

There was no way out. She was under orders.  
Riza had to admit pulling rank had never felt so satisfying.

She smiled politely, "Have a good day, Robbins."

Missy nodded as professionally as she could, "First Lieutenant."  
Of course, she proceeded to turn over her shoulder to Roy,  
and to the shamelessly love-struck men,  
wiggling her fingers goodbye.

It was done.  
It was over.

And, then it wasn't.  
Like always.

"She is _So. Smoking._ _Hot_." Havoc sighed every time she left,  
every day that week. Yet, it was this day, this Friday,  
that the five days of tension, the constant competition,  
became too much to ignore.

"She's out of your league, Havoc." Roy finally scoffed

Just like he had wanted to every day,  
for the entire week.

Once Roy finally caved, finally snapped,  
Fuery, Falman: They made a break for it.

Breda tilted his head, gathering his lunch, and shrugged,  
to his friend. He agreed.

Havoc gritted his teeth,  
leaned back into his chair,  
puffed his chest,

"Don't think I stand a chance, Boss?"

"In fact, I do not," Roy confirmed solidly and did the same,  
leaned back into his chair, puffed his chest,  
smirked.

Havoc crossed his arms and finished his thought,  
"Don't think I stand a chance _against you_."

Riza sighed, clenched her eyes closed,  
bracing for impact,

from what source  
she couldn't say.

Havoc waited for Roy to challenge him.

This day he came prepared, This day:  
Riza finally cut Missy off, Roy finally spoke his mind,  
and Jean had some semblance of a plan to fight.

So, he challenged the Colonel to deny that he didn't _drool  
_ over Missy Robbins, fantasize about that skirt  
while he purposefully procrastinated

He challenged Roy to confirm something like that,  
in front of Riza Hawkeye.

It would be quite a destructive choice,  
that is, if any of Rebecca Catalina's theories  
were relatively correct.

But, Roy did not deny it.  
This day, he said it.

"Better yet, I _know_ you don't."

Havoc looked to Riza, to Roy.  
Neither flinched.

Roy stared him down.  
Riza shuffled through the new stack.

Rebecca Catalina might have been relatively wrong.  
Havoc groaned. He truly was out of the running then.

Another potential love,  
lost to Roy Mustang.

"I'm a Colonel, Havoc." He laughed smugly,  
"Colonel trumps Second Lieutenant."

Havoc grumbled, but still did not intend to give up that long, lush,  
tuggable brunette hair, without a fight to the death  
metaphorically speaking.

He was desperate.  
He looked to Riza.

How unfortunate.

"Hawkeye."

She could say she did the following for Havoc.  
That, however, as mentioned before,  
was not _entirely_ true.

But, she told herself this. She said the right thing,  
at the right time. She did it for Jean Havoc,  
right?

Right.

"Traditionally, power, position, success  
do greatly factor into a man's appeal."

"You mean how hot he is?"

Riza sighed, looked up only now,  
raising an eyebrow at the Second Lieutenant,

"Yes, if you must phrase it that way."

Roy, consequentially, smirked snidely in his big,  
dominate, intimidating, Colonel sized chair.  
Havoc whined,

"I thought you were my ally, Hawkeye!"

Riza signed a page, flipped it over. "I am simply telling the truth.  
Higher ranking officers usually have better results."

Roy then said so sure, "This is what I'm saying, Havoc. You have absolutely-"  
but Riza stuck held up a finger, "That is unless the officer of superior rank  
behaves like a complete ass."

Breda stopped at the doorway, salami stuffed in his mouth.  
Havoc barked out a victory laugh. Roy dropped his jaw,  
shot out of his seat. First shock,

then anger,

" _Excuse me?_ "

Riza marked the date, flipped the page.  
"Personality, depth, kindness. Also significant factors."

" _Meaning_ , Lieutenant?" Roy gritted his teeth.  
Riza signed on the final dotted line, flipped the page and sat up,  
lifting her chin, "Havoc stands quite the fighting chance, Sir."

She took a breath, sipped her cold tea,  
"Therefore, I would not be so arrogant, Colonel."

"But, I-I'm a selfless civil servant. I – I have a great personality!"  
Roy struggled. Havoc spoke over him, and Roy over him,  
and Havoc over Roy,  
and on and on.

"You know, Hawkeye, rebellion in a woman. _Smoking. Hot._ "  
" _Hey,_ " Roy accidently kind of _growled_ , "You do not hit on _Hawkeye."_

"Why not? " Havoc flashed some rebellion of his own.

"Seems she's the only woman who isn't fooled  
by your whole _thing_. I might have a chance here!"

Riza just shook her head, stayed disengaged,  
straightened piles, files, placed them in order of urgency,  
stuck stickers for the Colonel, where to sign, where to initial.

She made it easy,  
She made herself busy.

She and Havoc: Seemed they were on the same page.  
She needed a plan. She convinced herself it was for Havoc.  
She lost her head.

She did it for Havoc.

"Let's get one thing straight." Roy resisted the urge to _yell_ and _scold_ ,  
"If Robbins is out of your league, Hawkeye is out of your _universe_."

Havoc blanched. He shook his head, disbelief.  
Rebecca Catalina may have been relatively correct.

Perhaps he could succeed, perhaps he had a chance at love  
with _Smokin' Hot Missy Robbins._

Riza picked up the stack, walked it to the Colonel's desk,  
calm, collected, ignoring the bickering,  
the testosterone.

"Actually, Chief-" "I'm a State Alchemist," the Colonel cut him off,  
like a child, desperate for approval. Struggling for the upper hand,  
"Skill factors in. _Genius_ factors in,

 _Right,_ Lieutenant?"

Riza sighed, worn out for no more than a hot second,  
as she was shocked back awake, alert

when she placed the new packets so perfectly  
pristine in the middle of Roy's desk

she looked up and witnessed  
her Colonel actually _pleading._

Riza huffed, glanced over her shoulder at Havoc.  
They waited. For validation and confidence,  
and self-worth.

She had just a sliver of pity for them both,  
and a delightful pretty piece of proof that she did,  
in fact, do this all for Havoc

and _Missy Robbins_  
and their beautiful

brunette,  
tight skirt future together.

The Lieutenant turned back to her desk,  
and spoke objectively, clinically,

for the most part,

"It is, Sir" she sighed, " _but_ \- seeing as you  
are both sufficiently intelligent,"

"It's an even race," Roy finished, sat back into his chair,  
not even challenging the fact that he was only  
just 'sufficiently intelligent.'

He gave up.

Riza nodded, fetching her coat, " _Race_ is not the word  
I would use. But, the _opportunity_ is equal, yes."

Riza slipped her arm through,  
and turned just in time to see Havoc,  
blue eyes wide,  
bolting out the door,

out to take his shot at _Sergeant Missy Robbins_ ,  
with the beautiful brunette hair  
and the tight skirt and the red lips

He wasted not a millisecond

Havoc _ran_ before the Flame Alchemist could reach her,  
charm her, and convince her otherwise.

Riza did it for Havoc, she told herself. Gave him hope in love,  
even if it was in _Missy_ , a woman who very possibly  
did not deserve a man like Jean.

She did it for Havoc.

Roy most surprisingly just stared up at the ceiling and muttered,  
"The fire from thin air thing. That doesn't help me?"

He snapped his head up. Riza stood in front of his desk,  
not too close, not too far, "That doesn't help me _at all?_ "

Riza sighed, weary, worn down.  
He read it as _disappointed._

Roy buried his face in his hands, elbows pinned onto his desk.  
holding what felt like his entire weight

"She's a brunette, Sir."  
" _I know_ ," he groaned.

He let out the deepest sigh, rigid and pained.  
Stress she hadn't seen in him for quite some time.

Riza bit her lip,  
tugged on her coat.

"You're dismissed, Lieutenant."  
the Colonel waved her away,

"Have a pleasant lunch."

Riza was so close,  
so almost out that door.

But, she had to do it for Havoc.

She threw Roy off Missy Robbins _'_ scent  
for Havoc's sake, right? Right.

It wouldn't hurt to provide the situation  
just the slightest touch of insurance, Right?

Riza took a breath.  
Right.

She was doing it for Havoc,  
of course. Right?

Right.

"When we were young, Sir." Riza turned. She stepped forward,  
spoke up softly, candidly, "The fire from thin air – "

Roy looked up, lifted an eyebrow,  
"Yes?" Riza cleared her throat,  
gave the smallest, softest,  
reassuring smile.

"Appealing."

She was much closer to his desk  
than she previously thought.

and, Roy did _try_ not to shoot to his feet,  
but even still he did, dashing his hopes of appearing  
nonchalant.

Instead, he leaned forward  
as far as he could on his desk,

toward her, to her,  
jaw dropped,  
appearing very ' _chalant.'_

"You mean you found me _Smoking Hot_."

Roy had to take a moment. He couldn't stop gaping,  
he couldn't stop grinning, all at once.

Riza Hawkeye just used the word _appealing_ , _  
_admitted to a possibly more than former  
attraction to _him_ , Roy Mustang _._

And, now, she stood there.  
She stood there and did not correct him.

"Close your jaw, Sir" the Lieutenant deadpanned,  
"It was long ago. I was young and silly. I grew up."

Of course, the fire from thin air would turn a nation to ash,  
end a war in red hot hell, sun and sand.

But, for just a moment, Riza remembered a place  
resurrected a time when her father's apprentice,  
and his intelligence, his kindness, his dreams,

a time when _Roy Mustang,_  
the prodigy alchemist,  
 _hypnotized_ her.

She only saw, only remembered the good,  
when Roy grinned warmly, goofily,  
so damn charmingly,

 _I grew up._

"You did, did you?"  
"I did."

The Colonel smirked.  
The Lieutenant straightened.

"So, the fire from thin air thing,"  
Roy challenged, "No longer _appealing_?"

Riza blinked, "I grew up."  
Roy nodded, unconvinced, "So it seems."

The Lieutenant just shook her head  
and rolled her eyes, not so successfully  
keeping her cover.

She walked briskly to the door,  
to her escape, and to her certain doom  
of regretting her decisions, her words,

perfectly chosen,  
perfectly time.

She would surely regret them every day  
for at least the next week.

even if it was all for Havoc,  
and only for Havov.

Even so, she was successful.  
She could take comfort in that,  
she supposed.

as she turned the knob,  
opened the door

The Colonel leaned back in his chair  
once more, stretched his arms behind his head,

and though he smirked,  
his voice held sincerity

"Don't you worry, Lieutenant."

Riza raised an eyebrow, prepared to fight  
off the blush she knew plotted to violently  
ambush her cheeks.

"Sergeant Robbins is brunette."

Roy shrugged, mindlessly picking up a form,  
flipping it without any intent on filling it out,  
now or later.

Not after she said something _like that_ ,  
one word doomed to distract him everyday,  
at least for the next week.

"Even when we were young," Roy smirked, sly, smug,  
even though his face too wore the faintest shade of red.

Riza gripped the doorknob  
until her fingers were white.

"Even then, I preferred a blonde."

* * *

 _Review, review. tell me what you think of this_ tomato _I threw at the wall._  
 _I crave attention. Follow. Follow. Love Royai with me._


End file.
